I had a suspicion that the ex-gay movement might have some commonalities with religious abuse and dependency, but I had no idea just how similar they were. As I began to read about religious abuse, I would often blink my eyes and glance at the title of the book to make sure I wasn’t reading a book exclusively about the ex-gay movement. It seemed that what was described as a structured kind of power abuse within a given church, was describing point for point any number of ex-gay groups. Whole chapters of religious abuse books could apply perfectly to what has occurred in the ex-gay environment — really!

The Unholy Relationship
Anyone can have a positive and growing experience from authentic spiritual leadership. Unfortunately, all too often an abusive relationship surfaces when an unspoken deal is struck. One side of the deal is that most people would rather have someone else take on their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for them. The other side of the deal is a leader who may genuinely wish to help, ends up overstepping a person’s individual responsibility by “solving their problems” rather than supporting a person to solve his/her own problems. Although this system can seem to work very well for a large number of groups, this kind of relationship cultivates communal dependency rather than individual responsibility.

The leadership is viewed as God’s conduit of authority, to which everyone and everything (Biblical interpretation, pop psychology, science, education, reality) is subject.

While in the program [Love In Action], I was astonished at the energy expended by the leadership to maintain control. Absolute obedience was expected, even demanded at times, and any questions or doubt brought swift deflection to God: “It’s not us, but God who tells us to do this….” Continued questioning by a member brought accusations of disobedience and rebellion from the leadership and would eventually result in excommunication from the program. — Sean Greystone, Ex-gay Survivor.

All things deemed as the “corruptible world” — i.e., different religions, “secular” cultures, the body, pleasure, human experiences, those who do not agree — are believed to be ultimately evil, are not to be trusted, and work against you and God.

In the ex-gay programs I attended in New York City and Memphis, as well as the one I visited in Ecuador, we got the message that the outside world provided a direct and constant threat to our resolve to straighten ourselves out. In Love In Action, the staff enforced a rule that stated we could not enter “The Forbidden Zone,” a large section of Memphis where one would find gay establishments, open and affirming churches and cruise spots. We maintained a bunker mentality with the belief that the devil and the World maintained a pro-gay agenda. Even the church we attended as a group did not provide a safe haven after one of the participants repeatedly met up with a parishioner for sex in one of the many restrooms. The staff insisted that we not maintain contact with anyone who proved gay-affirming, even close family members and friends. We had no access to television and only limited access to one movie per week which had to be approved by the staff. (These included mostly family film or testosterone-laden action adventure films. No romantic comedies or movie classics. They even banned Bible films since the characters wore such revealing costumes). — Peterson Toscano, Ex-gay Survivor and Performance Activist.

 The abusive system requires participants to be viewed as “flawed.”

New Directions was not the beacon of hope and love their public image portrayed them to be. If I was not being ignored, I was being shamed publicly by the leader which evoked in me feelings once again of being less than. Desperately needing to have approval I did everything I was taught: I attended Bible study groups with healthy heterosexuals, tried to play sports, even sat in a chair the way that a man does according to New Directions. When all of this failed to destroy my “same-sex attractions” I briefly conceded defeat and allowed the feelings of being less than and not good enough to take over and sought out gay sex which tragically turned into gay bashing. With a broken nose, two black eyes and a shameful secret (my story was that I had been mugged), I began to listen even more to the teachings of the ex-gay community and my fundamentalist church. I began to attend a new ex-gay program called Living Waters, which was much more charismatic and shaming than New Directions. — Darin Squire, Ex-gay Survivor.

When real answers, trust and peace are allusive, instead of considering the system as flawed, the blame turns further inward. At the same time, success and acceptance fall dependent upon outward behavior and performance, while the authentic person is hidden, denied and neglected. There is not a sense of freedom to explore other avenues of growth; participants feel trapped, treading the same territory over and over again, although they may not be able to see it.

From my own experience: I was not going to be a failure. I was not going to let God down. I overlooked more and more nonsense to be the person I thought God wanted me to be. I began to notice a cyclical pattern to my behavior. I would go to the LA meeting, share my past week’s “temptations,” and get prayer for strength and healing. Then I would drive home feeling motivated: “Yes, I’m perfect and clean in God’s eyes. I’m God’s child and I want to please him in everything I do.”  I’d get up the next morning and read my Bible. On the way to class, though, I’d see a cute guy in shorts and I would get angry at myself for allowing my eyes to wander down his hairy legs. I’d ask God’s forgiveness, quote a scripture, and refocus again. Sometimes I could focus for a day or two, kind of like keeping a lid firmly on a boiling pot, but eventually that seemed to burn my hands and make the “fall” all the more disappointing. I would think I would be gaining ground, but I would get horny, masturbate, and feel like a tremendous failure. Instead of questioning the routine, I assumed that I must not be trying hard enough, and I’d start the whole “workaholic” treadmill over again, and again, and again.

As time passes, most people within this system never acquire the deep satisfaction they work so hard to achieve, though they may never admit to it openly for fear of being disloyal. However, reality creeps in with signs of severe exhaustion, burnout, health problems, spiritual disillusionment, emotional fatigue and mental disorders.

I became very ill the last year — extremely ill from stress [and] fatigue. Because of all the years of repenting from my sins, and going to the “lifestyle” and back and forth. Actually I got so sick, I couldn’t repent. I didn’t have the strength to go through it again. I was just crushed like that for years. And I don’t know how else to describe my struggle but I thought I was going to take a gun to my head several times because of the anguish. — Stefani Cort, Ex-gay Survivor

The above points, compiled from various books on religious abuse and dependency, never once mentioned the ex-gay experience. Yet, as you can see, point for point, they describe the ex-gay experience with amazing accuracy. To read more about the damaging effects of my ex-gay experience and to learn what I did to recover, check out my book Ex-Gay No Way: Survival and Recovery from Religious Abuse. * This article is primarily an excerpt from my book.

(originally published in Pulp Magazine 9/29/11)

I have just returned from Burning Man — the huge arts festival in the Nevada desert that is part rave, part experimental community, and part Mad Max Movie,. This was my fourteenth time attending. But a friend of mine, whom I’ll call Sean, went for his first time, and his Burner “virginity” went out in a blaze of glory, and not just in a sexual sense.

I recently met Sean, and within minutes of talking I found out he was going to Burning Man and it was as if we were meant to meet. I also learned that he originally planned to go with his boyfriend, but after they broke up, he decided to go anyway. In fact, he used Burning Man to really embrace his autonomy. Hearing some of his history, it sounded like he was almost never single, that he had a string of boyfriends one after another as far back as he could remember.

There’s a belief in our society that it’s probably best to “sow your wild oats” for a time, but eventually you should settle down and find a good “solid relationship.” Perhaps this is true, but I have seen all kinds of relationships work all kinds of ways.

In terms of my friend, Sean felt in many ways that he was sort of never enough. Not that his boyfriends believed him to be “less than,” but that Sean believed he was not complete without being in a relationship. Certainly there are plenty of people who believe just that, songs are composed, and movies filmed stating just that — that we are half of a whole until we find our “soulmate.” If this is the case, then there are a lot of people who are incomplete, and they’ve never found their other halves.

Yet for Sean, it was just great to be enough for a change. He wasn’t dependent on anyone but himself. Heck, I hardly saw him while we were there because he was out on another adventure, one right after another. Ideally he could do all of this with a boyfriend at his side, but there could be just as many ways he might have been held back, too.

Drawing from personal experience, I have gained a great sense of deep satisfaction from taking some time on my own to learn to be fully responsible for my contentment without having to subdivide my attention with the needs of another person. Growing up, it was not easy to hear my own soul’s subtle voice while the crosstalk of others needs was distorting my hearing. It wasn’t until late into my twenties (and after a lot of therapy) before I could sort out my own personality from all the other input my parents, the church and society heaped on me.

I guess that’s why I personally believe that it may be best to take some time to go solo before you commit to a potentially life-long relationship, not just to “sow your wild oats,” but to really have a clear idea of what makes you a unique person. Learn to know what it feels like to be enough, and to be content as you are. Then, from that sense of peace you can contribute to another person’s life in relationship, rather than constantly feeling you aren’t enough unless your partner contributes to you. It certainly was beautiful to watch Sean blossom, love himself, and want for nothing.

I think that’s what made Sean so very attractive to the hot, twenty-something stripper that humped his leg for a day or two. Oh no, flying solo does not mean you have to be celibate. Sean was strong, confident, clear in himself, happy and wide-eyed. He could have a sexual adventure without it destabilizing who he was as a content person. Very sexy indeed, and more than enough!

Click here for Part 2…

As a queer activist, and an ex-gay survivor, I have gotten pretty frustrated with how the media tends to handle the ex-gay topic. What amazes me is that most of them seem to do the same old thing over and over.

Mind you, every person I have worked with in the media has thought that the ex-gay propaganda is hog-wash, and yet what do they do? Right off the bat, they often bring on air an ex-gay minister who gets to exclusively explain their perspective is if they are a qualified expert on sexuality. Often times this is where the host tries to let the ex-gay talk himself into a corner or maybe sound so religiously zealous that they invalidate themselves. But much to the host surprise, this leader is rather articulate, and almost kind of makes sense. He even sounds caring and accepting of sad homosexuals.

What the media is usually unprepared for is that these leaders are pretty slick. In fact ex-gays have created a whole system of denial that convinces themselves that their disdain for homosexuality is a righteous attribute, so you can bet they are going to sound appealing. In fact, leaders are often paid to preach that heterosexuality is Godliness. So they are going to come across in a 4 minute sound-bite as VERY palatable. It really takes someone who has been there, and worked very hard on recovering to sift through the rhetoric and expose what’s really going on.

Furthermore, as my colleague, Peterson Toscano will say, if the media was going to do an article about the damaging effects of crack cocaine, would they first interview the drug dealer and why it is so great to use crack cocaine – they’re the dealer! Of course that’s what they are going to say. This is nothing new. What’s not being heard and therefore more easily denied are the long and short-term consequences to ex-gay and religious abuse.

When the newscaster and ex-gay come back from their commercial break, we get to hear from usually an ex-gay survivor, someone. like me. Maybe that person will get a minute or two to say something about all they did to repair the damage of attending one of these groups, but just like clockwork, the host then turns back to the ex-gay leader and asks, “What do you think of that?” and the leader gets another opportunity for a quasi-palatable sound bite, where they usually play all innocent “I don’t know about that I’ll have to look into it…” T-yah, sure. How many times have I heard that…

Maybe they will get a Psychologist in there to make a statement about how reparative therapy is damaging, maybe the ex-gay leader brings another (usually) paid person as a”poster child.” but in the end all that’s really been done is that the “news agency” has just given the ex-gay movement one big free commercial.

And never is discussed that the majority of the people leave these groups feeling worse than when they entered. Never is the discussed the suicide attempts of the people who have felt rejected by their families and by God because of what these groups are preaching. Never are these leaders called on the carpet for any of the damage they do in the name of “Healing.” Never is discussed that what they are attempting to “fix’ is not broken in the first place. Never is discussed that their beliefs to “heal” society of homosexuality is the very same belief that bullies have, who commit acts of violence in attempts to remove homosexuals from society. They believe the same thing – that homosexuality has no place in this society.

So media, do something more than just scratching the surface of this topic. Do something different from what most media outlets do – start with the horrible damage that occurs because of these ministries, focus on that and have the leaders answer for it on nationwide TV. Don’t enable them, put a stop to the harm.

Recently at the gym, fresh out of the locker room shower came a gentleman who might be described as a man from the old country – and I mean no disrespect by this. He grumbled a heavy accent. When he groomed himself before the mirror, he hefted a large glass flask out of his bag. Now he did not swig this kind of alcohol. Instead, it was the kind called Old Spice. And, wear it, he did by slathering so much over his neck and chest the locker room quickly became thick with the smell. I nearly crawled out the door gasping, “Air… I need air!” What’s worse, I smelled like Old Spice the rest of the day!

I’ll be the first to admit that, like our sexual preferences and tastes, what attracts us through our nasal passages is highly subjective. Some people like the fragrance of Gaultier on their person of desire with ne’er a hint of body odor. Many are allergic to artificial odors with congestion and headaches as a result. Still others prefer the bouquet of a natural person — the stronger the better.

When it comes to body, sex, and aroma, it’s all about attraction. These nearly imperceptible olfactory magnets are called pheromones. Throughout history chemists (legitimate and otherwise) have concocted love potions that were sure to enslave one’s true love. And still today it seems every few years some “new” fragrance will come on the market boasting the use of pheromones in its serum, “scientifically proven” to allure that special someone. Science is still sniffing out just what it is about pheromones that draws us to others, and there doesn’t seem to be a particular magic aroma that automatically ignites everyone.

That’s why it seems that pheromones are best used as enhancers – just one potent factor out of many that adds and highlights what is already uniquely attractive about an individual. For me, being aroused by a man and then to draw close to him, breathing him full into my lungs can be positively intoxicating.

So I have to ask, “Why all the cover up?” How is it that the fragrance industry rakes in billions? In some circles, a person can be so quickly judged because his authentic body odor is evident, “Oh, he must be from Europia.” But whose being duped? Whose shelling out the cash, not to show off what makes them unique, but to fall in line, to conform, and to stink like everyone else? I have no doubt that your unique aroma is the special fragrance that will attract the ideal person to you. But what if Prince Charming never catches “your drift” because you spritzed a half bottle of CK Obsession up your pits?

Despite my exaggerating for humor’s sake, consider going easy on the ol’ “smelling sauce.” A little goes a lot farther than you might imagine. That guy, covering his body with the stuff and forcing everyone in the locker room to share his “Old Spice moment” is as intrusive as someone blasting their boom box and enslaving everyone to a specific brand of music. Either way, he could very well drive more people away than attract them to him, the lil’ stinker!

Text Version:

Hi. I’m Dr. Jallen Rix and this is my first video blog.

“You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile!” Those words I was just playing with are from probably one of the most memorable Star Trek Villains, “The Borg.” And they’re a perfect villain of American culture because we seemingly pride ourselves on being rugged individualists, proud of our uniqueness, diversity and creative gifts that can be valued and shared with others.

And yet as the issues surrounding bulling come to the forefront, our culture has realized there are some very harmful ways we do not celebrate an individual’s uniqueness, especially when those individuals don’t conform to a heterosexual standard, or when a couple who want’s to get married is not heterosexual. This is called straight supremacy. It’s the belief that no one is qualitatively as good as a heterosexual. I know that when it’s put so overtly it sounds almost silly, but there many ways this subtle belief corrupts our everyday lives and what’s worse, there are organizations that actively promote this idea.

Take for example, Exodus International. They are the “ministry” that tried to put out the “cure the gays” iPone App. I know the organization pretty well since I turned to them to try and become straight – which didn’t work, and actually sent my into therapy for years to recovery from the damage they caused. Oddly enough, with all this iphone attention, Exodus has announced, and I quote “In no way shape or form is our message about trying to cure,” What?! After 40 years of existing on the very premise that “homosexuals can be healed, you can change, and there is a way out.” They are now saying they have no cure? You probably can hear the word games they are playing. Most likely, they are saying, “We don’t cure you, God cures you.” “Cured,” “healed,” “changed,” “heterosexually challenged,” — There’s no end to the lingo ex-gay leadership coins to hook you in and take it back in the same breath.

So what if, after all these years, after all the harm these ex-gay organizations have wrought on those who trusted them, what if they come clean and admit they can’t really change someone from gay to straight, what is left for them to offer? Straight supremacy! You can be assimilated! That’s why they have baseball games for the guys and make overs for the women. It’s like they have stolen the unconditional love of God and put a “but ya gotta be straight” clause on the end of it. They simply believe it would be “God’s best” for you to be in a heterosexual marriage, regardless of your authentic sexuality. It’s straight-supremacy and they continue to ignore the devastation it causes in most of the people who turn to them for help.

So don’t be duped. God’s love has no “but.” And you can find people who love you unconditionally. You are not alone. If you are an ex-gay survivor, go to beyondexgay.com, where there is a community that will listen to your story. Most of all, you are a beautiful, unique person and your sexuality is just as much a part of your beauty as your spirituality. Thanks for reading!